Shenanigans By Paul McCann
Act Two
A scene set to portray an
old woman’s sitting room . There is a china cabinet with various pieces on
display .Some china , an wedding photo , glassware a few armchairs and a nest
of small tables tucked away underneath a coffee table . Some old photos and
pictures are hung on the wall . A couple of rugs lie thrown upon the floor .
The majority of the props should reflect a widows home .
The scene begins with Mrs
Dempsy saying her rosary . She fumbles with the beads on her rosary as a knock
comes to the door . She tries to get up out of the chair but slow and steady is
her way . The knocking persists . After a few attempts she manages to stand and
then she reaches for a walking stick .
Mrs Dempsy –“I’m coming .
Can’t you even give an old woman some time .
I’m coming . (She
opens the door) Oh come in . Come in.
(Very reverently Father Tom walks inside)
Tom-“ Hello Mrs Dempsy .
God bless all here . Father Andrew left
a note in his dairy to visit you today and since I’m the visiting priest I
thought I would introduce myself to you in person . I hope I’m not intruding .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ You’re very
welcome Father . Whatw as your name again ?”
]
Tom-“Oh how ignorant of me
. I’m Father Tom from America .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Well let me
have a look at you for heavens sake .“
(She eyes him up and down )
Tom-“I’m only here for a
brief visit .“
(She continues to glare and stare ’’
Mrs Dempsy-“Oh sure you
are . That’s right . I used to have a gardener who looked exactly like you .“
Tom-“Hello “. ( A little unsure of himself )
Mrs Dempsy-“Show me your
hands .“
(Tom places his hands out before her . She inspects them )
Mrs Dempsy –“These don’t
look like priests hands . These are hands that have worked hard .“
Tom-“That’s right so . I
was a late vocation to the priesthood .”
Mrs Dempsy-“Well I suppose
that could explain it .“
Tom-“Sure enough .“
Mrs Dempsy –“People think
just because I’m old I’m not too smart . But I’m still as sharp as a pin and
you’ll not pull one over my eyes I can tell you..”
Tom-“ I can see that all
right Mrs Dempsy .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ What did you say you’re name was again ?”
Tom –“ I’m Reverend Father
Thomas Dough from America . “
Mrs Dempsy-“You’ll have to
speak a bit louder .I’m hard of hearing .“
Tom –“(Shouting )I’m
Reverend Thomas .“
Mrs Dempsy-“Sure you are
now and you don’t need have to shout .
Just talk to my face . I can read lips you know .“
Tom-“ I’m sorry .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ What did you
say ?”
Tom- (Turning to
face her ) “ I’m sorry for your trouble .”
Mrs Dempsy-“What trouble
?”
Tom-“Your hearing .“
Mrs Dempsy-“I’m hearing
what ?”
Tom-“Your hearing problem
.“
Mrs Dempsy –“ I wouldn’t
have a hearing problem if it wasn’t for the function I went to as a young girl
.They played the music much too loud .I tried to tell them . Do you think they
would turn it down ?”
Tom-“ Well I just wanted
to say hello .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Sit down
Father . (She points to the armchair )
Have you time for a chat ?”
Tom-“ I can’t stay long “
Mrs Dempsy –“What ?“
Tom –(Turning to face her
) I can’t stay too long . I’ve got things to do at the presbytery . You know
the priestly duties and all that .“
Mrs Dempsy “ So where did
you say Father Andrew was ?”
Tom-“He is at an important
function . “
Mrs Dempsy –“ An important
what ?”
Tom-“It doesn’t matter Mrs
Dempsy , Yes I have time for a chat >”
Mrs Dempsy -“Father Thomas
thenis it ?”
Tom- “Father Tom is fine
Mrs Dempsy .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ From America
?”
Tom-”That’s right .“
Mrs Dempsy –“So . Whats
the name of your parish over there ?“
Tom-“ St Judes .”
Mrs Dempsy-‘ The patron of
lost causes .“
Tom- That’s him all right
.”
Mrs Dempsy – And you’re
here for how long ?”
Tom –“Not too much longer .“ ( As he begins to rises from the armchair she motions for him to sit back down )
Mrs Dempsy –“Sit down
Father Tom . See the thing is people are always in a hurry these days . They
don’t have time to sit and talk .“
Tom –“ I have a lot of
paperwork to do . Kids confessions are coming up .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ What ?”
Tom (Turning to face her )
Kids confessions .”
Mrs Dempsey “I thought
confessions where before mass on Sunday morning Father .“
Tom –“They are . Mrs
Dempsy , its paper work I’m talking about .“
Mrs Dempsy –“What kind of
work ?”
Tom-“Paper work .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Tell me
about that . What is paper work Father ?”
Tom-“Oh you don’t really
wan t to know .“
Mrs Dempsy – “Maybe I do .
How would you know ?“
Tom –“Well its very time
consuming .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ I see well
then . You better get to it instead of sitting around here talking .”
Tom-“Right then . (He
rises from the armchair )
Mrs Dempsy –(
Pointing her finger to the chair) Sit down and
listen to what I’m trying to tell you . So you’ve come to visit me but really
the thing is, you’ve actually no time
for a visit because you have too much paper work to do . Am I right ?”
Tom-“ Well its not that I
haven’t time . Its just I have some other important things to do as well .“
Mrs Dempsy-“So I’m not
that important then ?“
Tom –“I didn’t say that .”
Mrs Dempsy-“So if you have
so many important things to do why did you bother coming to visit me in the
first place ?”
Tom-“I’m sorry .“
Mrs Dempsy-“Sorry for what
.“
Tom-“For visiting .“
Mrs Dempsy –“Don’t be
sorry Father . I’m just sorry because we don’t have any time for a chat .”
Tom –“ No Mrs Dempsy . I
will make time for a chat . “
Mrs Dempsy –Who did you
say you were again ?”
Tom – ‘I’m Father Tom from
America .”
Mrs Dempsy-“Sure you are
.“
Tom-“ You don’t sound
convinced about that Mrs Dempsy .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Oh well tell
me . Are you a catholic ?”
Tom-“ Of course .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Where did
you do your studies ?”
Tom- “In America .“
Mrs Dempsy- ‘What part of
America ?”
Tom –“ Floridas .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Well noe
isn’t it a small world . I have some family members in Florida . Do you know
the Meehans Fath ?”
Tom –“Florida is a big
place Mrs Dempsy .“
Mrs Dempsy –“Well sure it
might be but big John Meehan gets himself around and I’m sure you would have
bumped into him somewhere .”
Tom-“ I can’t say that I
have Mrs Dempsy .”
Mrs Dempsy-“ Well maybe
it’s just as well then .”
Tom-“ Why is that ?”
Mrs Dempsy-“ Because there
is no such a person .”
Tom-“ What?”
Mrs Dempsy-“ Well it was
just one of my trick questions to see if I could catch you out .“
Tom-”You’re confusing me
Mrs Dempsy .”
Mrs Dempsy -”Well the
thing is I have to be sure who I’m talking to .“
Tom-“Oh indeed you’re a
wise one Mrs Dempsy .”
Mrs Dempsy-“ All these
tricks I have are a wealth of knowledge that’s taken me a lifetime to acquire . I’m trying to pass them on to you
Father .”
Tom-“That’s a decent thing
sure enough .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ The
knowledge I have is beyong logic . It’s like looking outside before you come in
. Do you know what I mean ?”
Tom-‘sure enough , that’s
a good way to look at it all right . “
Mrs Dempsy –“ Now the
thing what I’m trying to tell you is , do you knock the door of a person you
know or do you walk right in without knocking ?”
Tom-“ Well that’s a good
question ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Well you
should know .“
Tom-“Life is full of good
questions but there’s not enough answers
Mrs Dempsy-“ Hold on a
minute . If you were to go back outside my front door and this time don’t knock
just come inside and sit down .“
Tom- “ What about if I do
that the next time I visit .How would that be Mrs Dempsy ?”
Mrs Dempsy – “Didn’t you
say you were going back to America soon ?”
Tom-“Indeed I did . Sure
you are the bright spark .”
Mrs Dempsy-“ Just because
you’re from America doesn’t mean you’ve anything on me . I know all about
America .“
Tom-Is this another trick
question ?”
Mrs Dempsy-“No , its just
I know lots of people over in America . As a matter of fact the Hennebrys ,
O’Driscolls , O’Briens ,and I have letters from a Christian organization in
East Florida who write to me once a month .”
Tom-“I’m dumbfounded by
the things you’re saying .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ I used to
write plays and I send a few of them over to America to a theatre company who
actually read them and sent me a note
of thanks and they even told me to keep writing . “
Tom-“ Fancy that . That
inspiring Mrs Dempsy .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ I’ve got a
question for you Father Tom .”
Tom- “Fire away .”
Mrs Dempsy-“ Do you drink
tea ?”
Tom-” Is this another one
of your trick questionsMrs Dempsy ?”
Mrs Dempsy-“ No . On all
honesty I was wondering is tea a drink you have ?”
Tom-“ Well I must say I
love tea Mrs Dempsy .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Me too
. Here’s anpther question for you
Father . Have you ever been a boxer ?”
Tom – “Why do you ask ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“Well it’s the
shape of your nose ..’
Tom-“What do you mean ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Your nose
looks as if its taken a battering over the years .”
Tom –“ That’s very
interesting .”
Mrs Dempsy- “What about
writing . Have you ever written any plays ?”
Tom – “ Why no Mrs Dempsy
. I don’t write plays , I do like tea , and I’ve never been a boxer in the ring
and if there is any more questions you’d like me to answer I do have a lawyer
in Florida who would be most happy to answer them for you .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ I am
impressed . Its not often I get to speak with lawyers so I’d love to take up
the opportunity . Have you his address ?”
Tom-Tell you what Mrs
Dempsy . I get him to write to you when I return and then you can ask him all
the question you want .”
Mrs Dempsy –
(Trying to get out of the armchair) “ How do
you like your tea ?”
Tom-“Oh please don’t
bother Mrs Dempsy . “
Mrs Dempsy-“ And why not .“ (Pushing herself to her feet)
Tom-“ Well because I’m
going off tea for a change . I’ve got a new fancy for American coffee beans .”
Mrs Dempsy- “Right . That’s fine . How do you have it white or black , with or without sugar ?“ (Making her way slowly to the door with a walking stick)
Tom-“ White with two
sugars thank you .“
Mrs Dempsy – Right . I’ll
be back in a few moments . I’m just going next door to see if Mrs Murphy is
home . She’s got a pantry twice a big as mine and she has a lot of family in
America who send her coffe every year in a Christmas hamper . “
Tom-“ It really doesn’t
matter Mrs Dempsy.”
Mrs Dempsy- Oh but it does
.”
Tom –“ Its no trouble .
I’ll have tea instead . I’ll have what ever you have in the cupboard .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ .(She
walks back from the door) Do you like apple tart
?”
Tom-“Yes I do .“
Mrs Dempsy “So do I but I
don’t have any .”
Tom –“ (He tries to get
out of the armchair ) Mrs Dempsy times getting on “.
Mrs Dempsy- (She motions
to him to sit back down ) “ Don’t budge . I don’t want you to think I never
made you welcome or offered you a wee drop in your hand while you were here on
holidays “.
Tom-“ Can I look at some
of you old photos Mrs Dempsy ?”
Mrs Dempsy-“ I beg your
pardon ?”
Tom-“(Turning to face her
) You have some lovely old pictures . Do you mind if I have a look ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“No problem
Father .
(Suddenly a beautiful young lady walks into the room .
Oh God Dierdre’s up . (
Mrs Dempsy puts her finger over her mouth and whispers to Tom ) She’s
sleepwalking again Father .“
Diedre –(Stops and looks
at Tom ) See you . You’re nothing but a bastard . That’s all you are .“
( Tom tries hard not to laugh. Diedre turns on her heel and walks away . Mrs Dempsy drops her walking stick and coughs )
Tom- Who was that ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“Oh you must
forgive her Father . Its my daughter Diedre . She has a habit of walking in her
sleep . She went to have a lie down just before you called .”
Tom-“ Have you spoken to
anyone about Deidre and her sleepwalking ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“Why should I
. Sure its none of their business anyway .“
Tom-“Well someone might be
able to help you with her problem .“
Mrs Dempsy –“Well I really
don’t think it’s a problem like .“
Tom-“ If you say so Mrs
Dempsy .“
Mrs Dempsy-“Tell you what
Father . When you return to your parish in America you could ask St Jude to
help her . God love her Father . You won’t
Mention this to Father
Andrew I hope .”
Tom-“My lips are sealed .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ People
around here might think it strange like . A young girl sleepwalking in the
middle of the day and all that .“
Tom-“Your secret is safe
with me .”
Mrs Dempsy-“She wouldn’t
hurt a fly you know Father . Its sad but I’m the inly one who knows her .”
Tom-“ The poor thing .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Its not her
fault .”
Tom-“Sure don’t I know .“
Mrs Dempsy-“ It was the
runaway horse .”
Tom-“ Was it now .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ It was . The
damage was done a long time ago .”
Tom-“ I see . The damage .
Right .“
Mrs Dempsy – “The damage .
Father .“
Tom-“Right .“
Mrs Dempsy –“The think is
if it wasn’t for the soft ground in the bog it’s great big hoof would have
smashed her skull .“
Tom –“ Thank God for the
bog “
Mrs Dempsy-“ It was a
rainy day too that had softened the turf
.“
Tom- “Thank God for the
rain .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ So you see .
The fall would have been much worse .“
(Suddenly Diedre walks backs into the room )
Dierdre – “You’re nothing
but dogs droppings all of you . Lumps and slugs and bumps and bugs . That’s all
you are and if I find you in the sauce again you’ll have to leave .“
(Slipping away quietly Dierdre walks away out of the room . Tom can’t contain himself any longer and bursts out in a fit of laughter )
Mrs Dempsy-“Its not funny
“
Tom-”I know (Ha Ha) Mrs
Dempsy . Does she have medication . (Ha Ha ) “
Mrs Dempsy –“You think
that she’s strange . Just like everyone
else around here .Don’t you ?”
Tom –(Ha Ha ) Oh no I’m
sorry Mrs Dempsy , Its just the look on your face that’s so funny .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ That’s it .
I’ve had enough . You’ll have to go .“
Tom- (Ha Ha ) “ I can’t
help it, but it’s given me such a lift . .”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Of you go
now. “
Tom- “No . I won’t leave
until this is resolved .”
Mrs Dempsy – There’s no
more to say . You’ve made you point clear .”
Tom – “I can’t walk away
from this . I am a man of God and I have certain principles and codes I must
live by .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Its like
this Father . She is beyond help . sure if only I could afford to have her
cared for in our home , it would make things a lot easier for us both .”
Tom -“Can’t you seek help
and have her assessed by the doctor ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“Ah sure and
isn’t that what they’d like . She would
become the taunt of the town .l Deidre the cuckoo in her Mammys nest .“
Tom – I can’t say what the
locals might say but I can tell you there is help out there if you want it .“
Mrs Dempsy –“God bless you
Father for understanding .“
Tom –“ Is Deidre your
only daughter ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“ No . I have
another girl who went to America .”
Tom-“ Is your husband
still alive ?“
Mrs Dempsy –“No Sean died
after the two boys went to America .“
Tom –“How are your
children doing over there ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“They’re doing
it tough . Its hard to find work they say .“
Tom –“How often do they
write ?”
Mrs Dempsy –“ Now a lot
these days . I get a card at Christmas and that’s about it .“
Tom –“ Out of sight , out
of mind . “
Mrs Dempsy –“ Where did
you say you studied for the priesthood ?”
Tom –“Florida .“
Mrs Dempsy –“Is that
anywhere near Texas ?”
Tom-“ Well kind of . Why “
Mrs Dempsy –“ Sometimes I
get the odd parcel from my daughter with a Texas postmark on it .“.
Tom-“ Oh that’s nice .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ Well I
suppose it is if you like oranges .“
Tom –“ Right I see . . Ok
then Mrs Dempsy , it is getting dark
and I must go .“
Mrs Dempsy –“ That’s what
I worried about .“
Tom-“ ’Whats that ? “
Mrs Dempsy –“The dark
Father “
Tom – “ Mrs Dempsy there’s
nothing to be afraid of in the dark .“
Mrs Dempsy – “If I had
paid my electric bill I wouldn’t be worried . But they’ve cut the power off
Father .“
(Tom opens his wallet and produces a few notes )
Tom –“Here . Maybe this
could go towards the electric bill “
Mrs Dempsy –“ God bless
the day you came to my door and you’re your reward will be rich in heaven .“
( Diedre walks back into the room with a broom in her
hand )
Diedre –“Another step and
I’ll shoot .“
(Tom rises out of the armchair)
Tom –“Right , that’s it
I’m off . I hope everything works out for you “
(All the lights on stage and the house go out . The sound of traffic and horns blowing are played through the PA . when the lights return on stage the set is back in the front parlour of the presbytery . Tom is seated comfortably in his armchair with his feet up . A moment passes before a loud knock is heard at the front door )
Tom-“ I’m coming . Hang on
a minute “. (He opens the door ) Hello
there .
Is everything all right ?
Come inside and take the weight off your feet “
(The stranger at the door
comes in and says )
Mprris –“ Hello Father .
Morris is my name and I was drving past the church when I saw the front light
on . That’s why I came to the door .”
Tom –“I see . Do go on
Morris “
Morris –“ Well its like
this . I’m on my way to visit an old friend and may God be good to him because
poor health has him laid out on his bed with a pain in his stomach and kidneys
all this week . “
Tom –“So you’ll be wanting
a sick visit then Morris .“
Morris –“No Father . It’s
a little more than that you see because in my haste to get on the road to visit
my friend I forgot my wallet and wouldn’t you know it but sure I’ve run out of
petrol . But thanks be to God right at your very door . Now isn’t that
providence Father ?”
Tom-“ Well I don’t know .“
Morris –“Well I do Father
and it is .“
Tom –‘Is it ?”
Morris –“ You see, there
was I sitting out in the car with an empty petrol tank thinking to myself , I
suppose I could walk to Birr and back but then I’d be over an hour on the road
and maybe get mugged or even worse hit by a passing turck in the dark . Then I
had these visions of me being found
dead on the side of the road with out a prayer whispered in my ear and
then I said to myself hang on , sure isn’t that a presbytery over there . Then
I just got all goosepimply and though what a God send . So could you possibly lend me some money
until I make my return to pay it back ?“
Tom –“I’m a little short .
I’ve just handed over all I had to a widow with a daughter who sleepwalks .“
Morris –“Now I know what
you’re thinking . I haven’t seen this man before in my entire life and how do I
know I‘ll ever see him again .”
Tom –“‘Its not that at all
Morris . I have no money to lend you .”
Morris –“I know but if you
look in that top drawer there in the desk you’ll find a small collection box
that Father has there for emergencies .”
(Tom reached into the
drawer and pulls out the box just as Morris had said )
Tom-“Well , would you look
at that . Now Morris tell me , how ever would you have known that was in there
Morris ?
Moris “Well Father
actually this isn’t the first time I was here . Once before I was on a mercy dash
to another friend with a fever .“
Tom – And you ran out of
petrol right outside the church ?”
Morris –“Yeah , that’s
right .“
Tom –“Listen I am going to
give you the contents of this box but you have to promise me that you will
bring it back . I cannot account for this money otherwise and I shouldn’t say
it but you look like a trustworthy fella So you would do us both a favour now
by making that promise to me .“
Morris –“ I’ll do my best
now and thank you Father and goodnight .“
(He exits quickly )
Tom-“Jesus there’s a lot
of Shenanigans going on around here and where is . Father Andrew gone . He should have been back by now . ”
(Another knock comes to the door . Tom opens it up and finds a drunk )
The drunk –‘ I know its
late Father .“
Tom-‘Well it is .”
The drunk –“I know you .
See me I love you Father “
Tom –“Come in and try to stay on your feet .“
(The drunk comes in with a
bottle in his hand. Swaying back and forth)
The Drunk –“ Father am I
glad to (Hic) see you .”
Tom –“ It must be closing
time I take it ?”
The Drunk –“ You know
everything . Don’t you Father ?”
Tom-” Is there something I
can do for you ?”
The Drunk –“I missed the
bus .“
Tom –“ What time did it go
?“
The Drunk-‘Well I’m not
sure , (hic) but I know its late .“
Tom-“So what do you want .
A lift home ?”
The Drunk –“ If I come
home like this Father my wife .(Hic)
will hook me squarely on the jaw and kick me right back out the front door .“
Tom “We all have our
crosses to carry .”
The Drunk-“Maybe so Father
but even Jesus had a Simon .“
Tom _Well I can’t argue
with that . Listen have a lie down in the spare room here and I’ll ring your
wife and explain that you missed the bus . Eh I can’t do better than that .”
The Drunk –“ I’ll never
forget this Father . Her name and number is on the front page of Father Andrews
phone book . By hook or by crook (hic)
She the first in the book
.. aah Aaa.. Ann is her name . Ann from Banna Strand and what a fine girl she is . “
(He collapses on the floor in a heap . Tom drags him away )
Tom –”God be with you
whoever you are and sleep well tonight for your dreams are soft and sweet .
(Tom sits down, puts his feet up . Another knock comes to the door)
I’ve just about had enough
of this . It’s like Murphys house open all hours !”
(Opening the door abruptly he shouts )
Look I’ve no more money .
There are no more beds . I’m sorry but the Priests shop is now shut for the day
.
(He nearly closes the door but a firm hand pushes it open wide . The person on the other side of the door walks in . Tom now stands and stares into the face of the person who is now standing in the room . )
If you don’t walk straight
back out that door , I’ll call the gaurds .“
The Bishop –“ I take it
you must be the Very Reverend Father Thomas ?“
Tom-“And you are ?”
The Bishop –“ Bishop Dean
.”
Tom-“ Oh right . I’m so
sorry but I never knew .“
The Bishop-“ Is that so ?”
Tom –“ It was all Father
Andrew’s idea .”
The Bishop –“You don’t
have to explain a thing .”
Tom-“ Father Andrew asked
me to sit in for him just for a day . I never meant to do no wrong .“
The Bishop –“ Well and how
could you do that .”
Tom-“ I hope you can
forgive me your Lordship .“
The Bishop –“There’s
nothing to forgive . I was having a nice game of Gold with Father Andrw this
afternoon and he was telling me all about his visitor from America . I’m glad
to know the parish was in good hands .”
Tom-‘What ?”
The Bishop –“ Well , I’m
going to be right up front with you (ahem.)
Father ah.. Thomas you see . Andrew had a slight accident this afternoon when
one of the other members of the clergy hit a golf ball that collected Father Andrew around about the ninth hole .
When he went to fetch the ball back another incident occurred .“
Tom-“Another incident ?”
The Bishop-“ Yes . Father
Andrew apparently steeped in to break up an argument on the tenth hole when one
of those in the ruckus accidentally hit
Poor Father Andrew with
his gold club . Since then he has been unconscious in hospital .“
Tom –“What ?”
The Bishop –“ So Father
Thomas it seems he will be in hospital for at least a month .“
Tom-“ What ?”
The Bishop –“I’m sure you
realise at present that there is a shortage of priests in the Diocese ? ”
Tom –“ It’s a terrible
state of affairs indeed .”
The Bishop-“ So then I
know that you must be looking forward to returning to your Parish in America ,
but I must ask you to remain here with us here for a little while longer .
Goodnight and God Bless you .”
Originally Posted On Site: 2012-01-31 02:59:21
Last Login: 05.24.12
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