Shenanigans    By Paul McCann

  Author’s note  -

One’s duty is to be responsible for your actions .When we hand our responsibilities on to other people problems arise .The idea behind this play addresses this with a funny perspective .

 The Plot

 Ballyshambo is a very quiet spot in the Irish midlands . Usually the biggest event that take’s place as a community is Sunday mass . Apart from that there  is a weekly choir practice and bingo .

Nothing much ever happens in Ballyshambo .

The local parish priest of Ballyshambo , Father Andrew, one day decides to have an innocent game of golf . Apart from getting a vacancy on  a golf course the other problem is finding another priest to take over for him during his absence .

As fate would have it a man who calls now and then to do the gardening calls to the presbytery door . Fr Andrew decides to empower him and lends him his collar and asks if he would fill in for him in his brief absence .

No sooner has he left the presbytery when a day filled with incidents take place . The shenanigans that happen during the day show the funny side of life in a quiet parish . 

 

 

 . Cast of Characters – Eleven  

Bishop Dean 

 Very Reverent Thomas

Father Andrew

Mrs Dempsey

Deirdre Dempsey

Owen Burke 

Curvey 

Spud

Skiter

Morris

The Drunk

 

Act One - Scene One   

  

The play begins in the front room  - office of the Catholic Presbytery .

The room has a writing desk . On the desk is a telephone , a large dairy and some pens and pencils . A chair in front of the desk along with other furniture in the room that includes a bookcase with some books . There is a  filing cabinet in the corner ,  two armchairs sit in front of a fireplace that is no longer in use . An electric fire has taken its place . A small stereo sits on the desk and a classical piece plays softly creating a presence around the room .

Father Andrew sits on the armchair going through his golf clubs,  one by one .

The phone rings .

Dialogue begins with  Father Andrews talking on the telephone

 

 

Fr Andrew –(One hand on a golf club the other on the phone )

  “Hello . Hang on a second “

 

He can’t quite co-ordinate the action of holding a phone and a golf club together and hangs up the phone then drops the golf club back in the golf bag After doing so he picks the phone back up but finds no one there . He hangs up the phone and selects another  golf club from the bag . The telephone rings again . This time he puts the golf club on the desk before answering the phone  .

 

“Hello this is Father Andrew , (Pause)

Yes,  this is himself .(Pause)

So then tell me , Is that yourself ? (Pause)

Yes, I’m well and yourself ?( Pause)

Sure God loves a trier Pat .(Pause)

You’re what ? (Pause)

With who ?(Pause)

They like me to tee off too you say .(Pause)

What time ?(Pause)

Well I love to Pat , but it’s not my day off .(Pause)

Look Pat I’ll tell you what ,I’ll sneak out for a few hours .(Pause)

It’s our little secret ok ? I’m sure the Bishop wouldn’t mind . (pause)

Say nothing till I get there.(Pause)

Right then Pat . I’ll see you on the green .

 

As he hangs the phone up someone knocks on the front door of the presbytery . Fr Andrew goes to answer the door saying ,

 

Well hello Tom , come in . It’s nice to see you . “

 

Tom-“Hello Father Andrew . And sure ‘tis a grand morning . I see the roses needs tending to and I was looking at doing something in the corner .“

 

Fr Andrew-” You’re welcome Tom .”

 

Tom-“ Now hows about if I was to start today by pulling out a few weeds ?“

 

Fr Andrew –“ Oh listen Tom I’ve another idea for you this morning .”

 

Tom-“Have you now ?”

 

Fr Andrew- “Come in Tom and sit down . I want to have a talk with you  “

 

Tom -“Is everything ok Father ?”

 

Fr Andrew –“Oh everything’s fine Tom . There’s nothing to bother yourself about , go and sit down on the armchair . Take the weight off your feet . “

 

(Tom sits down on the armchair . Father sits down on the other .They look at one another in the silence)

 

Tom –“I’ll tell you what Father , Seeing as it’s such a fine day I’ll cut the lawn while I’m here .  It will look like a fairway  when I’ve finished with it .”

 

Fr Andrew –“ What ?”

Tom -“The garden Father . I’ll tidy it up for you .”

 

Fr Andrew –“ Oh of course .“

 

Tom- “Is everything all right like ?”

 

Fr Andrew –“Well now Tom , it’s strange that you should ask ,but I’ve been feeling a little shaky this morning and to tell you the truth …”

 

Tom- “Don’t say another word Father . I’ll be off .”

 

Fr Andrew –“Oh no . I don’t meant you to go . It’s just , I might have to visit the doctor for a while , that’s all “.

 

Tom-“ No you don’t Father . You stay right here and I’ll go and fetch the Doctor for you myself  .“

 

Fr Andrew –“In Gods name I won’t hear of it . I’m not that bad . It’s just I’ve had a little bad news this morning and I feel I must see my Doctor in the next county . I do have another visit I must make while I’m there .”

 

Tom -”Ah . Right Father , so you’ll be wanting me to keep an eye on things while you’re away .?”

Fr Andrew –“Exactly .“

 

Tom -”No problem Father . I’m your man .“

 

Fr Andrew – “I’ve not a moment to loose so Tom , I’d like you to do me a big favour .”

 

Tom-“There’s no need to ask . It’s as good as done .“

 

Fr Andrew –“ Tom if you weren’t such a good gardener I’d say you’d be better off in the priesthood . “

 

Tom –“ Sure Father .You always told me that .”

 

Fr Andrew –“ Well today Tom . I’m going to give you a stab at it .“

 

Tom –“What do you mean father ?”

 

Fr Andrew – “ Today you are going to become . The very Reverend Father Dean .”

 

Tom –“ Father who ?”

Fr Andrew - :” A visiting priest from America . Reverend Dean .“

 

Tom –“ I’m not sure if I know what you’re talking about Father .“

 

Fr Andrew – “Today my dear friend I want you to have the chance of sitting in my chair . I want you to get the feel of what it’s like to be a priest .“

 

Ton –“ You must be joking Father .“

 

Fr Andrew –“Oh no . Far from it Tom .”

 

(He briefly walks off stage and returns with some cleric’s clothes .He hands them over to Tom .   )

 

Tom –“Are you serious ?”

 

(Tom puts the clothes down on the chair )

 

Fr Andrew – “ Listen Tom just play a priest’s role for me until I get back . I won’t be long Thomas and as you know it’s a quiet place here . Just answer the phone and the door for me while I’m away .“

 

Tom -“What other things should I know ?”

 

Fr Andrew –“Well , Mrs Dempsey is expecting a home visit at ten . Drop in to her cottage in Meadow Lane and introduce yourself . Tell her I’m not feeling too good today and you’re filling in for me . OK ?”

 

Tom –“ She doesn’t know me then ?”

 

Fr Andrew -:Tom you’ve been living elsewhere for the last twenty years . Don’t panic . If Mrs Dempsey ask you for a cup of tea that means you’re in for an ear bashing . If she asks you for a prayer, say God be with you and may he make you one with him “

 

Tom -” Is there anything else I should know ?”

 Father Andrew grabs his golf bag and heads for the door  .

 

Fr Andrew –“ Don’t panic . I’ll be back for dinner .”

 

Tom –“Bye then Father .“

 

Fr Andrew – “God be with you Reverend Dean .“

 

Tom –“ And with you Fr Andrew .‘

 

Fr Andrew – “ I’ve written down the times of the masses and some other information in the front page of the Parish Dairy on top  of my desk . Don’t you worry now , you’ll do well .. I can tell . “

 

Tom-“What about conversions ?”

 

Fr Andrew-“ It  won’t ever happen round here .”

 

Tom –“But what if the chance came up and we could get one of theirs .“

 

Fr Andrew –“Best not to think about it Tom . It’s no good getting our hopes up .Eh . Sure leave it all in Gods hands . ”

 

Tom-“What if someone calls and wants to become a Priest . What will I do ?”

 

Fr Andrew- “Tell him that’s a great idea . If you really get stuck ask God for help . He had never let me down yet . Hand it over Tom . Trust in the power of God . See that’s basically how we do it in the religious   . It’s about faith  .“

 

Tom-”I’m a little bit worried .”

 

Fr Andrew-“ You’ll be fine ,  God bless..“

 

 

(He walks out the door in a hurry . Tom walks around getting the feel of the place . He tries on the priests clothes and they fit him well . He sits down at the desk and lifts the phone fiddles around and makes himself at home .  )

 

Tom –“ Ah yes . Finally a parish of my own .

(Suddenly the front door bursts open and in walks a man  pushing a bike ) 

Jesus , Mary and Joseph . Who are you and what is your problem .“

 

Owen – “Hello Father . It’s me . Owen . So where is Fr Andrew ?”

 

 

Tom –“He is out for the day .”

 

Owen -”So you’re acting for him then .”

 

Tom –“I give up . It wasn’t me . It was all Fr Andrews idea .’

 

Owen –“(Ha Ha ). Ah you priests are always the same . Scrupulous to the bone and guilty as charged . Sure Father its not a confession I’m after .”

 

Tom –“Thank God for that Owen .”

 

Owen –“No Father I’ve come about my new bike like . See I need a blessing for the new boneshaker . I’ve been saving up for this bike here for the past five and a half years and today finally its mine . I’ve bought it no less that twenty minutes ago .“

 

Tom- “So Owen . You’ll have to call back tomorrow for the blessing from Father Andrew . Is that ok then ?”

 

Owen –“I’m afraid not . Who did you say you were again ..“

 

Tom- “I’m visiting clergy from America . My name’s Reverend Dean”

 

Owen –“So then Father Dean . Could you bless my bike for me ?”

 

Tom- “Owen . It’s a great faith you have and I’m so glad that you’ve brough you’re bike here but the blessings in America are different to yours here in Ireland . See Owen we drive on the other side of the road .”

 

 

Owen –“If you’re from America how come you talk with an Irish accent ?”

 

Tom-“Well I’m actually an Irish American . I’ve only been away form Ireland a few years and my accents still strong .”

 

Owen –“Well on behalf of all the parish of Ballyshambo I’d like to extend to you a warm welcome to our little Parish .”

 

Tom- “Thank you now I must ask you to go because I have things to do .‘

 

Owen –“Oh I can’t go without a blessing on the bike Fr Dean .”

Tom –“ Why not . Surely if you’ve waited five and a half years to buy the bike you can wait another day for a blessing .”

 

Owen –“ This is my very first bike . I need it blessed .”

 

Tom –“I can’t .”

 

Owen –“You must .“

 

Tom –“Where I come from we don’t bless bikes .“

 

Owen –“ You bless children don’t you ?”

 

Tom-“We do .”

 

Owen-“ The bless my bike .”

 

Tom-“A bike’s a thing . It doesn’t have a soul .”

 

Owen -“But I do and I’m the one riding on it . “

 

Tom-“It doesn’t matter a bike is still an object .“

 

Owen – “Well Father Andrew blessed Paddy Keatings pig truck last week and that’s a thing .”

 

Tom –“Did he really ?”

 

Owen –“He did . The week before that Father Andrew also blessed Malones  horse and cart with the buttermilk urns on it .”

 

Tom-“ Is that a fact ?”

 

Owen –“ Furthermore there was the blessing he placed on Murphys spade that could cut more turf in a day than any other spade in the parish .”

 

Tom –“All right then Owen . I’ll have a look for the bike blessing book .

 

(He pulls open the drawers of the desk and begins to rummage through the contents there . Muttering away . He pulls out a prayer book and flicks through all the pages … )

 

So Owen . It’s a blessing for your bike then . Let me see.. mmm . Baptisms, births , bereavements ,confessions . communions, I’m sorry Owen but I’m afraid there are no blessings for bikes .“

 

Owen - “ Oh but there is , you have to make one up just like Father Andrew always does . I’m sure if its good enough for him to do surely then good Father it’s good enough for yourself .“ 

 

Tom  -”Ok them . I’ll give it a go . So I’ll get some holy water then . Now where is that ? Let me see .”

Owen –“ I know exactly where it is . It’s around the back in a big tank . I’ll go and get you a bottle of it Father .“

 

(Owen exits with Tom left holding the bike )

 

Tom –“Jeazuz I wasn’t given any information about blessing bicycles . I hope Mrs Dempsey doesn’t come to see me with her new pop, up toaster .   God help me I’ll be scrubbing the floors of the convent for the next three years .”

 

(In come Owen with a bucket of water in his hand )

 

Owen -” Right then Father now here’s  the holy water . So if you wouldn’t mind getting on with the business at hand I’d be forever grateful .”

 

 

Tom –“ Right then . Now let me have a good look here at this thing .“

 

(Tom turns the bike up side down and then lies it down )

 

Owen – “Quick now do the thing .“

 

 

(Tom puts the bike on its stand and  rings the bell . He then  takes the bucket of holy water and throws it over the bike  knocking  the bike off stand and drenching  Owen from head to foot in the process   )

 

Tom –“ Oh Lord bless this bike and rider . Keep them safe and free from skids and falls  .“

 

(Before Tom could go any further Owen grabs the bike off the floor and checks out the bell and seat and wheels and the gives Tom a hard stare )

 

Owen –“  You can thank God you’re only visiting this parish . Its taken me a year saving for this bike and in a matter of seconds you nearly busted it .“

 

Tom –“God looks after us all now and if you don’t mind leaving I have some sinners to save .”

 

Owen – “I won’t be putting anything on the plate this week . As a matter of fact I won’t be putting anything on the plate until you’re back in America .“

 

Tom-“ Go on push off . “

 

Owen-“I’m off now but I’ll have a story to tell to all those I meet today .”

 

Tom – “Oh and don’t I have a quare story to tell to my parishioners in America about blessing a Irishman’s bike .“

 

Owen-“ Oh sure Father I have to admit . I’ve never had such a blessing before  God help you  “

 

(He laughs and Tom joins in . They shake hands and Owen pushes his bike away making his exit . Tom shuts the door and picks up the empty bucket and quietly puts it in the corner , he takes a seat and had another laugh )

 

Tom –“ Well . Thank  God for that .

 

(He gets out of the chair and walks over to the bookcase and takes a book to browse through . Suddenly another knock comes to the door .   )

 

Oh God protect me II hope that’s not another bike to bless .“

 

(He opens the door and two small boys are there )

 

Tell me who have I ?

 

 

The Boys – “ Hello Father .” (Out of breath and slightly worried )

 

Tom-” Come in boys and tell me what’s wrong “

 

(The boys walk in and Tom closes the door )

 

The boys –(arguing )Let me talk Curvey . (Pushing and pulling and shoving eachother) No Spud you always get to talk first )

 

Tom –“Right then that’s enough . You Curvey is it ?”

Curvey _”That’s right Father .“

 

Tom –“I’m in charge here ., Get it .“

 

Curvey –“Got it .”

 

Tom –“Good .“

 

Spud  –“See me Father . I can scare the hell out of him  .“

 

Tom- “So what . See me I’m Father Tom and I can get help from heaven .“

 

Curvey – “ So you’ve nothing on him Soud ..”

 

Curvey –“See you Curvey you need all the help you can get .“

(Pushing and bantering . Father puts himself between them )

 

Tom –‘Right then boys . Tell me is there something I can do for you ?”

 

Spud “Well no . Not you . It was Father Andrew we were after  .”

 

Curvey –“ Nothing personal Father , what was your name again ?”

 

Tom –“Well boys my names Father Tom . I’m visiting from America .“

 

Spud-“Well then welcome to Ireland . I hope you enjoy your stay . “

 

Curvey-“America sounds like a nice place . Tell me Father . What kind of things do you do when you’re over there . ?“

 

Tom-“Well that’s not important . What did you need Father Andrew for ?”

 

Spud –“Special business .“

 

Tom- ”Parish stuff ?“

 

Curvey – “That’s right but you’re just a tourist ?”

 

Tom-“ Maybe so but I might be able to help .”

 

Spud-“Where’s Father Andrew gone ?”

 

Tom-“Out !”

 

Curvey-“Out where ?”

 

Tom-“Collecting .“

 

Spud-“Collecting what ?”

 

Tom –“Souls for heaven .”

 

Curvey –“That’s great . I collect coins .”

 

Spud – “So that’s nothing I collect insects .“

 

Curvey -“ Coins are worth something and they’re part of the past .“ 

 

Spud  –Big deal Curvey  . My insects can crawl up my arm .All your coins can do is sit in your pocket .“

 

Tom – “Well that’s great boys but if I can’t be of assistance then maybe you better call back tomorrow and see Father Andrew .“

 

Spud-“ Once I helped Father Andrew Collect the parish envelopes .“

 

Curvey –“I helped do the second collection at mass one Sunday .“

 

Spud- I collected Mrs Murphy on my guider last week .“

 

Tom – (Laughing ) I have to collect myself from saying anything else boys so if you don’t mind I think we better quit while we’re ahead .”

 

Curvey –We really needed to see Father Andrew but I suppose as you’re a priest as well maybe you could help us .“

 

Tom-“ I’d be grateful if you could tell me what the problem is .“

 

Spud –“What did you say you name was ?”

 

Tom –“I’m the very reverend Father Thomas Dough from America “

 

Spud- “That will do then . Is that ok with you Curvey ?”

 

Curvey –“Sure enough . I’ll go with all that  “

 

Spud- “But is he holy enough?”

 

Curvey -” He sounds as if he could be Spud ?”

 

Spud -“Will we tell him then ?”

 

Curvey –“Ok Spud go ahead then . You tell him .“

 

Spud –“ We want you to hear our very first ever holy confession .“

 

Tom-“ What ?”

 

Spud- “See we want to confess our sins before making our very first holy communion Father .“

 

Tom –“ When ?“

 

Spud –“When we make our first sin Father I suppose .“

 

Tom –“ So you haven’t actually sinned yet ?”

 

Curvey –“Oh no , not  yet but you never know we could like .”

 

Tom- “Well boys the rule book says that if you haven’t sinned yet then I don’t need to hear your confession .“

 

Spud- (Pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket )Well Father I’ve made a list of the sins that I’d like to make if I get the chance and I was hoping you could have a look at some of them and forgive me before I do them .“

 

Tom –“Well it doesn’t work like that .“

 

Curvey –“ My Da said , if I couldn’t think of any sins then I could make up because that’s what he always did Father .

 

(Tom goes over to the suitcase and begins to look at the books and then he   rummages through the drawers of the desk .) 

 

What are you looking for Father ?”

 

Tom- “ Listen . Let me tell you boys . Sins are never easy . You can’t make them up or write them down . Sins are deliberate actions that ..”

 

Spud –“Go on , tell him Father . Give him a good lashing .“

 

Curvey –“ But our teacher told us sins are easy to make and harder to avoid and I heard this other fella say the bigger they are the harder they fall .“

 

Tom-“ You can’t listen to what everybody says boys ,sometimes you have to listen to what your conscience is telling you .“

 

Spud –“ But we want to be perfect when we receive holy communion .“

 

Tom –“ Perfect is a good thing to try to be but it’s much too hard .“

 

Curvey- “Is it easier if we make a good confession ?”

 

Tom –“What for sins you haven’t made ?”

 

Curvey-“What about for some sins we did make . Like huge big ones .“

 

Tom-“Some people think just because they go to confession that they can get away with murder but the thing is God can forgive but its another thing to repent and walk away from the kind if life you’re living and that’s not easy because old nick will want to keep a hold on you  .“

 

 

Spud-“What do you mean Father ?”

 

Tom-“ I mean he’ll stop at nothing once he has a hold on your soul .”

 

Curvey-“Does he come out of the ground and grab you Father ?”

 

Tom-“Well he would break both your legs rather than have you walk to the church . He would throw up obstacles in front of you to keep you from getting to confession . He would strike you dumb if he could .“

 

Spud –“ Who would ?”

 

Curvey –“Nick . Are you listening . Maybe he’s made you deaf so you can’t hear what Father is saying .”

 

Spud-“ Maybe he is . Father say a prayer quick in case I’m going deaf .”

 

Tom-“Stop it . God loves you and can make you hear . If you want that is .“

 

Curvey-“Does God get tired of forgiving peoples sins Father ?”

 

Tom- “Never .“

 

Spud-“ So if I get stopped at a barricade I can ask God to help bring it down so I can get to church ?”

Tom –“That’s a little exaggerated Spud but he will always be there to help you get to church if you want to go “

 

Curvey –“ God’s like kind of special isn’t he ?”

 

Tom-“ That’s right Curvey .“

 

(All three jump in fright as suddenly the front door nearly bursts in and on stage a young lad runs in and stands there trying to catch his breath  )

 

Curvey-  “It’s Skiter, from the lower flats .” 

 

Spud-“What’s eating you Skiter ?”

 

Skiter - “ Father come quick . There’s no time to waste .”

 

Tom-“In God’s name man what’s the matter ?”

 

Skiter “It’s Paddy Father . He’s just after running form his barn screaming in fear . Yelling like the suffering souls of hell itself he was .”

 

Tom _”What’s happened ?”

 

Skiter -“It’s a ghost Father .“

 

Tom-“A ghost ?”

 

Spud –“Oh come on quick I want to see the ghost .“

 

Curvey -“Me too lets go Father to see the ghost before it leaves .“

 

Tom-“Don’t be silly there’s no such things as ghosts .“

 

Skiter –“ The barn is haunted Father that’s all I can say and you better be bringing some holy water with you .”

 

Tom-“As far as I’m concerned , there’s only one ghost and that’s the holy ghost .“

 

Spud –“Can I come and watch you chase out the ghost Father .”

 

Curvey-“I want to see that as well . Can I help you Father chase the ghost away .”

 

Skiter-“I don’t think you boys should come . Its might be too  much for you .“

 

 

(Any stage and house lights now are shut off to reveal darkness . During this time some music is played while the set is rearranged and adapted to look

like the insides of a barn . When the lights are turned back on there are four people standing there on stage . Tom Spud Curvey and Skiter .   )

 

Skiter –“Well now Father this is the barn that I saw Paddy running oput of screaming about some ghost or devil “

 

Tom-“ Then we better exercise the barn .“

 

Spud –“We’ve got exercise books at school Father .”

 

Tom- (Reading from the holy book and sprinkling holy water around the barn)

”Dear Lord bless this barn and all in it from harm . “

 

Curvey-“Is exercise a good or bad thing ?”

 

Tom –“Quiet please . I’m doing the exercising . Gather around lads and make a circle . “

 

Skiter-“Father shouldn’t we do this exercising later on , like at midnight or something ? “

 

Tom-“Sure ghosts have no idea of time . They live in another world .“

 

Spud-“Then why are do they come around here haunting barns ?”

 

Tom-“Sussh , (Chanting a sort of monotone )Oh , ghost spirit of this barn  why are you here among the living . You are dead and don’t belong with us . Leave this place and return to the dark pit of the abyss where you are from .“

 

 

(A dead pigeon falls from the rafters of the barn landing in Toms hands . Tom scrams and throws it to Spud who tosses it to Curvey followed by another scream . It’s Owen Burke who walks out from the shadows pushing his bike . He’s covered in soot from head to foot . As black as coal with only eyes and teeth visible . Curvey throws it at Owen who catches the bird and says )

 

Owen –“What in Gods name are you up to ?”

 

Spud –“ Ahh Jesus Mary and Joseph , it’s the ghost  ?”

 

Owen –“Ah Jesus Mary and Joseph, don’t worry , its only me Owen Burke , the chimney sweep . “

 

Curvey-“Well Father he’s calling on the holy family Father . So it must be the holy ghost .“

 

Skiter-“It must be the ghost that scared Paddy .“

 

Spud -“ Send it Father quick back to where it belongs .“

 

Tom-”Well if it isn’t Owen  with the blessed bike . What on Gods name are you doing here man ?”

 

Owen –“I’m on my way home after cleaning out the O’Connell’s chimney . I was feeling tired and sometimes I’d come in here to Paddy’s barn for a lie down before I go to the hill at Tully. I never thought I’d bump into Paddy but there he was and there was I . We both gave each other such a fright .

I went after him but he went scuttering out of here like a scalded cat .“

 

(Everybody has a good laugh for a moment )

 

Tom-“Skiter I think you better find Paddy and let him into the secret of the phantom chimney sweep or he won’t be home for a week .“

 

Skiter –“Sure enough Father I’ know where I’ll find him .“

 

Tom-“Well now as I’m here I may as well say a few prayers .“

 

Skiter –“ Forgive me Father I didn’t mean to drag you from the presbytery.‘

 

Spud –“Well at least you didn’t have to go through any barricades ?”

 

Originally Posted On Site: 2012-01-31 02:02:00
Last Login: 05.24.12

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